The Best Kept Secret to Healing from Betrayal
Focusing on Yourself: The Secret to Healing
What you might want to consider doing after discovering your partner's betrayal is to start focusing on yourself.
Yes, Start Focusing on Yourself
(Not to be mistaken for “blaming yourself” – his actions are his own…let me be crystal clear… his betrayal… Is. Not. Your. Fault.)
Regardless of whether he shows remorse and lives within your newly established or reinforced boundaries or if he is not going to support you, you will find your way and your own circle of support for your own healing.
The Secret I Learned
As you stop focusing on him, as you stop asking the questions, having repeated arguments, exhausting yourself trying to get him to "get it", he is going to think you've finally "let it go" and most likely will show some sort of relief.
What Happened to Me and My Clients
The less I engaged with my husband about the past, the happier he became.
But what he didn't know at the time, and I didn't really know it either, was that I just did this naturally because I was exhausted from years of gaslighting, I was disengaging from being everything to everyone…my cape was too dirty and frayed. I was finding myself.
Finding Yourself and Setting Boundaries
Not only did I stop being obsessed with his past, and his story, I also stopped engaging in all the day-to-day mundane things as well.
When he wanted me to watch reruns or a sports game on TV with him, I thanked him but politely told him I was going to be in my office crafting my next video, blog, or some other activity to support my mission and purpose.
When he wanted to do something that seemed trivial to me, I politely declined, told him I needed to practice some self-care, and took a hot bubble bath.
When he wanted me to go run errands with him, I chatted the whole time with excitement about a new blog I had written, a new book I was reading, some classes I was taking, a workshop I was developing, a reel I just created, or anything related to my purpose.
I went on walks in nature by myself. I started to enjoy being my authentic self, no longer everyone else’s version of me. I started to express how I was feeling in my body in a positive way.
Transforming Your Relationship
I liked myself better when I wasn’t constantly focused on his betrayal, trying to get the truth, and living in survival mode after infidelity.
So, what was happening here was that he slowly began to see me differently.
He started to see a new woman because I was actually becoming a new, fierce, woman!
A Critical Moment
So, what he thought was a blessing in the beginning, over about a11-month period, became a stark realization.
I was moving on, not tethered to him the way I once was. I was taking care of myself, spending time on me instead of organizing my entire emotional world around him. I was growing and learning...and living my purpose. Without him tethered to me.
That was a critical moment in our relationship. Our co-dependency lifted.
I fell in love... with my reflection and who I was "becoming" (I was always there just under the surface of being everything to everyone).
Now we enjoy each other’s company. It is respectful of each other’s needs and within the boundaries, I put in place and that he lives within.
Still married, happily… minus those ugly years reflected with an asterisk on the number of years.
Final Thought: Focus on You
It is possible to heal from betrayal if that is what you want? Yes, it is possible to stay married after betrayal if that is what you want. It is a long hard road.
Either way, stay or leave, my suggestion remains… focus on you.
I'm only telling you what worked for me and dozens of my clients.
It's an example of how the more you focus on you, the less you focus on the past.
Two things will probably happen: you begin to heal from betrayal, which is good for you. And sometimes, when someone sees you reconnecting with yourself instead of revolving around the betrayal, it changes the relationship dynamic too. He starts seeing you differently because you are different.
