How to Help My Daughter After Betrayal Discovery

By Vanessa Cardenas, Betrayal Recovery Specialist

Serving Westchester, NYC, and the Surrounding Region in person, worldwide via Zoom

Understanding Your Daughter's Behavior

Q: My husband betrayed me four months ago, and he was my 6-year-old daughter’s hero. Since that time, she has been acting aggressively towards her 2-year-old brother, having meltdowns, and refusing to communicate effectively, often resorting to grunts or whines. She won't let me or anyone else, including grandparents, talk to, hug, or console her, and she keeps moving away from anyone that tries. We've been handling this without punishment, speaking about the situation in age-appropriate terms, and trying to maintain a sense of normalcy. Despite this and her being in therapy, she lies about small things like brushing her teeth and then becomes upset if she's caught in the lie. She seems to hold some resentment towards me, which I understand. Her father was a significant part of her world, and this betrayal has deeply impacted her. I'm struggling to help her stop hurting her little brother and to express her emotions in a healthier way. What else can I do to support her through this?

A: Janet*, first and foremost, I'm truly sorry for the turmoil and pain your family is experiencing due to this betrayal. As a Betrayal Recovery Specialist, I can empathize with the complexities of navigating such a situation, especially when children are involved.

Addressing Aggressive Behavior and Emotional Outbursts

In cases of betrayal, children, much like adults, can experience a range of emotions, including confusion, anger, and sadness. Your daughter's behavior, while challenging, is a manifestation of her trying to process these feelings. At six years old, she is old enough to sense the significant change but may not have the maturity or tools to express her emotions constructively.

Her acting out, particularly towards her younger brother, could be a sign of displaced anger and frustration. It's essential to continue providing her with a safe space to express these feelings, whether through therapy, creative outlets like art or music, or open conversations with you or other trusted adults.

Dealing with Lying and Meltdowns

Regarding her lying and meltdowns, these behaviors might be her way of exerting control in a situation where she feels powerless. It's important to maintain a balance between understanding and setting boundaries. Gentle but firm guidance can help her learn healthier ways to express her emotions.

Incorporating the Hindsight Window Theory

Consider incorporating principles from the Hindsight Window Theory, which suggests that understanding our past experiences can influence our current perspective and behavior. Helping your daughter make sense of the changes in her family dynamic in a way that's appropriate for her age can be beneficial.

Prioritizing Your Emotional Well-Being

Most importantly, take care of YOUR emotional well-being. Your ability to support your daughters is deeply connected to your own emotional health. Engaging in self-care practices, seeking support from a group, and leaning on trusted friends or family can provide you with the strength and resilience needed during this time.

Final Thoughts

Remember, healing from betrayal is a journey for the entire family. It takes time, patience, hard work, and often professional guidance. Your unwavering support and love for your daughter (and son) will be key in navigating this challenging period.

For more guidance and support, consider reading my book, "Dealing with the Devastation of Your Partner's Betrayal: What to Do When Your World Falls Apart," or joining my support group. You're not alone in this journey.

Next one: Healing the Mother Wound and Father Wound: Understanding Emotional Needs in Relationships

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*Names changed/question used with permission.