Gaslighting and Trickle Truths: Unraveling Deception in Betrayal

By Vanessa Cardenas, Betrayal Recovery Specialist

Serving Westchester, NYC, and the Surrounding Region in person, worldwide via Zoom

Understanding the Pain of Betrayal

Being betrayed hurts. It hurts like hell. There is no greater hurt imaginable. Whether you discovered your intimate partner's betrayal accidentally, or he* told you he had an affair, a fling, a sexting thing, or anything that was kept secret, the simple fact is that he committed a crime against your relationship and has changed you forever.

*All pronouns are applicable.

The "Fun" of Gaslighting and Trickle Truths

Then the "fun" (gaslighting) begins...with drips and drabs of information otherwise known as trickle-truth.

You will be faced with one of three "truth-tellers": a denier, a gusher, or a trickler.

The Denier

A denier will deny the affair or "anything" else is happening, make you feel like you are going crazy, and fill you with self-doubt (gaslighting).

The Gusher

A gusher will explode with all of the truth right away, whether they were caught or whether they willingly disclosed it.

The Trickler

A trickler, on the other hand, reveals information slowly, over time, possibly telling lies to conceal certain aspects of the truth until they are ready to let them out in a slow and controlled way, thereby delaying you from having the “complete truth” for some time.

Dealing with the Aftermath of Betrayal

When your whole world comes crashing down, and you are given the devastating news, you really do start to question what was ever “real” in your life. To make sense of the information, many betrayed people find themselves asking a ton of questions designed to piece together the puzzle, create a timeline of events, and make sense of what happened.

It isn’t enough to know that he cheated. We want to know where, when, how often, with whom, in what way, what he did, and most of all, WHY he did it.

We want to know if she was prettier than us, if she was smarter, if she was better in bed, if she was thinner, if she made him laugh more, if she was... better. What about her made him cheat?

Minimizing Trickle Truths

There is a way to minimize trickle-truth. Remember, that trickle-truth tends to happen because he feels scared and extremely ashamed. He is less likely to tell you the complete truth if he thinks it will harm him, that is:

• You will walk out

• You will threaten to take the kids

• You will divorce him

• You will tell others

• You will use whatever information he provides as ammunition against him later

Remember, if you are going to ask for the information, you have to promise to use it for your own knowledge and that you won’t turn it around and use it as a weapon. No one will offer you a gun if they think you are going to turn around and shoot them.

Reassure him of why you want to know, and that you won’t hurt him with the information. Reassure him that although it might hurt YOU like hell, you will do your absolute best to process the information in a way that is healthy and helpful to both of you.

Seeking Professional Help

It is best to have a full disclosure consultation with a trained therapist or marriage counselor in a safe, non-judgmental space where you both feel safe to share and work through all the emotions that will come with full disclosure. Many betrayed people also request a polygraph.

Once disclosure is behind you and you know all the details that you want to know, moving forward with any support person is advised.

This is what we did years ago, after working with our marriage counselor, I transitioned into working with a coach.

You Are Not Alone

All of this is to say that you are not alone. I am sorry that you have gone looking for specialized help like this, but I am also so grateful that you found me.

I have been where you are, and I am on the other side of betrayal with a map and a flashlight. Together, we will get you through all the feelings that you have, because there are, and will be, many along your journey.

Next one: Catching a Cheating Husband: Signs to Look Out For and What to Do Next

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