Vanessa Cardenas, Betrayal Recovery Specialist, answering frequently asked questions about betrayal recovery coaching and emotional healing

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Vanessa Cardenas, Betrayal Recovery Specialist, explains 'hugging the cactus' as a method for healing from betrayal. The image features a person hugging a cactus with electrical pink (#E60067) highlights, symbolizing the pain and healing process

Hug a Cactus to Heal from Betrayal, Leading Betrayal Specialist explains

October 21, 20233 min read

By Vanessa Cardenas, Betrayal Recovery Specialist

Serving Westchester, NYC, and the Surrounding Region in person, worldwide via Zoom

Betrayal can be one of the most devastating experiences in a relationship. Whether it's infidelity, lying, or breaking a vow, the hurt caused by betrayal can be long-lasting and very difficult to overcome. For those who have betrayed their partners, seeking forgiveness can seem like an impossible task. However, there is a concept that can help guide them through this difficult process: "hugging the cactus."

What Does It Mean to "Hug the Cactus"?

The idea of "hugging the cactus" comes from Dr. Harriet Lerner's book, The Dance of Anger. In the context of asking for forgiveness, it means being willing to face the pain and discomfort caused by your actions, rather than avoiding or minimizing it. It requires taking full responsibility for your behavior and expressing genuine remorse and empathy for the hurt you have caused. It's a difficult but necessary step toward repairing the damage done.

Why Is "Hugging the Cactus" Important?

When you've betrayed someone you love, it's natural to want to avoid the pain and discomfort of facing the consequences of your actions. However, doing so can make things worse in the long run. By avoiding or minimizing the hurt caused by your actions, you're not taking responsibility for them, which can damage your relationship further. Additionally, avoiding the pain caused by your actions can prevent you from truly understanding the impact of your behavior on your partner, which can make it harder to make amends.

How Can You "Hug the Cactus"?

"Hugging the cactus" requires vulnerability, humility, and a deep commitment to repairing the damage that has been done. Here are some steps you can take to start the process:

Take Responsibility

Acknowledge the hurt you have caused and take full responsibility for your actions. Don't make excuses or minimize the impact of your behavior.

Express Remorse

Show genuine remorse for the pain you have caused. This means not only apologizing but also expressing empathy for your partner's feelings and acknowledging the damage that has been done.

Make Amends

Take concrete steps to repair the damage that has been done. This could include counseling, making lifestyle changes, or making up for broken promises.

Be Patient

Repairing the damage caused by betrayal takes time, and it may not be easy. Be patient, persistent, and willing to seek help from professionals.

The Symbolism of the Cactus

Since "hugging the cactus" is an approach that can guide those who have betrayed their partners toward healing and transformation, I encourage my clients to purchase a cactus as a visual reminder. It requires vulnerability, patience, and a deep commitment to repairing the damage that has been done. By taking responsibility, expressing remorse, making amends, and being patient, those who have betrayed their partners can begin the difficult but necessary process of repairing their relationships.

References

Lerner, H. (1985). The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. HarperCollins.

Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2004). An Integrative Intervention for Promoting Recovery From Extramarital Affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213-231.

Next one: Forgiveness as a Healing Process: Healing the Pain of Betrayal and Rebuilding Bonds


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Vanessa Cardenas | Betrayal Recovery Specialist

I believe self-love and self-trust can be reignited, even after the most devastating betrayals. As a Betrayal Recovery Specialist, transformational coach, and former C-suite Executive with over 20 years of experience, I combine personal insights with professional expertise to guide others through healing and empowerment. Certified by the Post-Betrayal Transformation Institute and in various coaching disciplines, I’m dedicated to helping you live life with purpose and intention. Explore my website to learn more about my journey and how I can support you on yours.

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Vanessa Cardenas, Betrayal Recovery Specialist, emphasizing that the cost of inaction can outweigh the price of progress, encouraging investment in personal growth and healing on the FAQs page
Vanessa Cardenas, professional Betrayal Recovery Specialist, offering services in Westchester County, near 10566, 10524, and The Atrium at Charles Point.
Vanessa Cardenas, Betrayal Recovery Specialist based in Westchester County, serving clients in 10566, 10524, 10514, 10510, 10591, 10520, and surrounding areas.

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