Mastering Communication: The Road to Phenomenal Relationships

Hello? When the Need to Be Right Outweighs the Need to Be Heard

By Vanessa Cardenas, Betrayal Recovery Specialist

Serving Westchester, NYC, and the Hudson Valley Region in person, worldwide via Zoom

If you want to build a good relationship, study relationships. But if you want to build a phenomenal relationship—one that’s responsible, fulfilling, and deeply connected—you must first “work on you.”

Today, let’s focus on communication. Below are three powerful principles I’ve learned from working with hundreds of clients and group participants. These strategies can help transform your relationships, whether you’re rebuilding after betrayal or simply seeking deeper connection.

Intentional Communication

Intentional communication is about thinking before you speak. Much of our daily communication is automatic, shaped by social scripts. For instance, if someone shares that their neighbor’s dog was hit by a car, the expected response is, “Oh no, that’s so sad.” These reflexive responses happen without much thought but influence our interactions nonetheless.

Breaking the Cycle of Automatic Communication

Consider this scenario: someone you care about calls while you’re busy. You answer the phone to show you value them, but your tone communicates frustration or distraction, leaving them feeling less important.

Now imagine a more intentional approach. Before answering, pause and think about your last interaction with that person and the tone you want to convey. You might answer warmly with, “Hi, it’s so nice to hear from you!” Even if you later explain your busyness, this intentional start sets a positive tone and strengthens the emotional connection.

Consistent Intentional Communication

Intentional communication works wonders when applied consistently. Before every interaction, ask yourself, “How do I want this person to feel?” This simple pause can transform your conversations, especially in close relationships.

Literal vs. Inferential Communication

The next principle we're going to talk about is the difference between inferential communication and literal communication. This concept can be transformative, depending on your current communication paradigm.

Literal Communicators

Literal communicators ask for what they want in a straightforward manner. However, their directness can sometimes come across as selfish, as they may miss subtleties.

Inferential Communicators

Inferential communicators prefer hinting at their desires, which can be considerate, but others may not pick up on these hints, leading to unmet expectations.

The Worst Combination

The worst combination is someone who listens literally but communicates inferentially. They struggle to understand subtle cues and rely on hints to get what they want, often resulting in dissatisfaction.

The Ideal Paradigm

The ideal paradigm is being a literal communicator who listens inferentially. This combination is exceptional for leadership and relationships. You express your needs clearly while also anticipating others' needs, creating a harmonious environment.

For instance, in a relationship, a wife might want her husband to take out the garbage. If she hints or uses indirect language, a literal listener might not catch on. However, when she directly asks, "Honey, would you please take out the garbage?" clarity emerges, leading to better communication.

Verbal Aikido

The third principle of effective relationship communication is what Eric Edmeades affectionately calls "Verbal Aikido." Aikido, as a martial art, is fascinating—almost a dance rather than fighting. Unlike other martial arts centered on aggression and force, Aikido revolves around the redirection of your opponent's energy. It's about using their own energy against them.

Story of Verbal Aikido in Action

Allow me to illustrate the concept of Verbal Aikido with a story.

Picture a family gathering during the holidays. In this scenario, two siblings, Sarah and James, had a history of fiery arguments that often disrupted family events. During one Thanksgiving dinner, tensions were running high. Sarah made a comment about a recent political event, and James immediately took an opposing stance. Their disagreements usually escalated into shouting matches, and the family dreaded these moments.

This time, however, Sarah decided to try something different, inspired by the concept of Verbal Aikido. Instead of responding with anger or defensiveness, she listened carefully to James's viewpoint. She noticed that, deep down, they both shared concerns about the state of the country, even though their opinions on solutions differed.

Sarah decided to acknowledge the intensity of James' feelings and said, "I can see how passionate you are about this issue, James. It's clear that you care deeply about our country's future." She didn't oppose his views but rather found common ground in their shared concern for the nation's well-being.

To her surprise, James's anger began to dissipate. He felt heard and understood, rather than attacked. As the conversation continued, they discovered areas of agreement, such as the need for open dialogue and unity. Instead of pushing against each other, they started to lean into each other with their differing perspectives.

Finding Common Ground

This story highlights that in challenging conversations, such as betrayal debates, finding common ground and acknowledging the intensity of others' feelings can lead to more productive and harmonious interactions. Verbal Aikido isn't about force but about redirecting energy towards mutual understanding, it's about moving away from details and finding higher principles of agreement, even if methodologies differ.

Moreover, in today's polarized world, expressing your opinion can be challenging. Many fear backlash, being canceled, or being ghosted. To bridge divides, it's essential to refrain from engaging in debates unless you can argue both sides effectively. It's a reminder that conversations should seek truth and not just defend a stance.

Final Thoughts on Verbal Aikido

In the realm of Verbal Aikido, the key lies in attentive listening, seeking common ground, and using your contributions to enrich the conversation instead of opposing others' ideas. It's a reminder that conversations are collaborative endeavors seeking truth and understanding, rather than ego-driven battles of right and wrong.

Simply put, speak your truth in a way that your partner hears you; encourage your partner to do the same.

Final Thoughts on Communication

Phenomenal relationships aren’t built on a need to be right but on a need to be heard. By practicing intentional communication, balancing literal and inferential styles, and mastering Verbal Aikido, you can foster trust, understanding, and connection in your relationships.

Let me know which technique resonates most with you and your relationship. Together, we can explore how to make communication enrich your relationship and your life.

Ready to Begin Your Healing Journey?

If you’re navigating the aftermath of betrayal and want compassionate guidance, I’m here to help. As a Betrayal Recovery Specialist, I work with clients in Westchester, NYC, and the Hudson Valley, as well as worldwide via Zoom. Together, we’ll work to reclaim your sense of self, rebuild trust, and create a path forward.

Contact me to begin your journey today.

Next one: How to Prevent Infidelity in Your Relationship: The Power of Perspective-Taking

Subscribe for More Insights from Vanessa Cardenas

If you found this article insightful and would like to receive similar content delivered directly to your email, please subscribe to our newsletter. Stay updated with the latest information, tips, and strategies for managing life's transitions. Don't miss out on valuable insights that can empower you to make the best decisions for your future. Join our community today, and let's navigate these challenges together. Subscribe now!