Can You Turn the Pain of Betrayal into Strength?

By Vanessa Cardenas, Betrayal Recovery Specialist

Serving Westchester, NYC, and the Hudson Valley Region in person, worldwide via Zoom

Experiencing betrayal by a spouse can be one of the most devastating events in a person's life, leading to intense anger and emotional turmoil. Betrayal trauma anger is the complex emotion that arises when the person you trusted the most deceives you. This article draws insights from the work of Crystal Hollenbeck and Jill Manning, as well as the Betrayal Trauma Anger Survey by Hollenbeck and Barbara Steffens, to understand and navigate the impact of intimate betrayal. It's important to work with someone who has personally experienced and overcome betrayal trauma.

Understanding Betrayal Trauma Anger

Betrayal trauma anger is a unique kind of anger that comes from the deep emotional pain caused by a partner's deceit. This anger can be overwhelming and affect your self-esteem, trust in others, and sense of reality.

Some common scenarios include:

• A woman discovers after her husband's death that he had a 10-year affair.

• A man finds out his wife is engaging in secret affairs during frequent business trips.

• Spouses realize their partners are addicted to pornography, prioritizing it over real intimacy.

From Pathology to Understanding

In the past, people who stayed with unfaithful partners were often labeled negatively, causing more pain. Thankfully, mental health research now recognizes that these individuals are dealing with trauma, leading to more compassionate and effective support methods.

Key Findings from the Betrayal Trauma Anger Survey

The Betrayal Trauma Anger Survey found:

• 87% experienced intense anger, with 84% saying it was the most intense anger they've ever felt.

• 76% expressed anger in unusual ways.

• 87% felt anger towards themselves, blaming themselves for being "foolish" or "naïve."

• 43% had thoughts of self-harm, and 46% felt angry at God.

• 66% felt "stuck" in their anger, with 39% not receiving specific help from therapists or spiritual leaders.

Coping Strategies for Betrayal Trauma Anger

While anger can be a natural response to betrayal, chronic anger can harm your health and relationships. Here are some effective coping strategies:

1. Breathing exercises: Calm your mind and reduce stress.

2. Listening to music: Find solace and relaxation.

3. Journaling: Express your feelings and gain clarity.

4. Talking to a safe person: Share your pain with someone trustworthy.

5. Yoga: Practice mindfulness and physical relief.

6. Sleep: Ensure you get enough rest.

7. Dancing: Release emotions through movement.

8. Prayer: Seek spiritual comfort.

9. Exercise: Engage in physical activities to release stress.

Healing and Reconciliation

Healing from betrayal requires more than coping strategies; it involves addressing the root cause of the anger. Key elements of making things right include:

• Consistent honesty and empathy from the unfaithful partner.

• Lifestyle changes and accountability.

• Treatment for any underlying mental health issues.

• Genuine efforts towards reconciliation.

The Importance of an Understanding Ear

Navigating betrayal is a personal journey best supported by someone who has been there. Vanessa Cardenas, a Betrayal Recovery Specialist, emphasizes the importance of support, resilience, and personal growth in overcoming betrayal. Her approach combines personal experience with professional expertise, guiding individuals from pain to empowerment.

Vanessa's own journey through betrayal equips her with unique insights to help others heal. She believes that self-love and self-trust can be reignited even after the most devastating betrayals. By providing an empathetic and understanding ear, she helps clients rebuild their lives with purpose and strength.

Final Thoughts

Understanding betrayal trauma anger and implementing compassionate, evidence-based support can significantly aid in the healing process. Recognizing the impact of betrayal and addressing it as trauma allows for true healing and transformation.

Next one: How I Transformed My Life After Betrayal and Can Help You Do the Same

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References

Hollenbeck, C., & Manning, J. (2024). Betrayal trauma anger: What is it and how do we help those experiencing it? Deseret News. Retrieved from Deseret News.

Hollenbeck, C., & Steffens, B. (2024). The Betrayal Trauma Anger Survey. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. https://journals.scholarsportal.info/browse/0092623x